Discussing the Dreaded "Exception Clause" Within the Context of Church Family

When our church family gathers as a large group, one of the things we usually do is study through a section of scripture. We are currently working our way through the book of Matthew. This past Sunday we began discussing Matthew chapter 19.

Studying through Matthew 19 means dealing with the dreaded "exception clause." I'm referring to Matthew 19:9 were Jesus says, "And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery." (exception clause emphasized)

The meaning of the exception clause has been argued by Christians for many years. You've likely had the discussion yourself. Although I personally hold to the betrothal view, my point in this post is not to go down that path. Instead, I simply want to talk about the discussion we had.

As we gathered, we had about twenty people in the room. At least one-half have been directly or indirectly involved in and/or impacted by divorce. Therefore, this was not some sort of theoretical talk. It was real.

The body-life context of the discussion was critical. We all know one another well. We have solid, deep relationships. We trust one another. It's not perfect, but we are a family. Therefore, as we began to talk the entire atmosphere was one of grace and love. At the same time, we desired to seek God's truth and avoid falling into some sort of postmodern interpretive pit "just to make everyone happy."

We talked for quite a while about various aspects of marriage, divorce, God's desire for marriage, God's thoughts on divorce, what Moses meant and did not mean, what the exception clause may mean, what Christians should do now who have been divorced, what Christians should do now who have remarried after divorce, and what Christians should do now who are struggling in their marriages.

This passage could have led to one of two negative outcomes. First, we could have simply glossed it over, avoiding it to "keep the peace." Second, we could have argued over it in a nasty way. I'm happy to say that neither happened.

Instead, in the context of church family, we were able to talk about this hard passage in love, grace, and mercy. There was no judgment from any of us. We desired to see the truth and apply it from here forward.

It was beautiful to watch the body in motion. With various people adding to the conversation, different points of view and concerns came to the surface. Each person who spoke added a little bit to what we were all learning. We all gained in Christ from one another.

One example of this comes to mind. After I talked about why I hold to the betrothal view, a good friend of mine cross-referenced to Matthew 1:18-25. This is the passage where Joseph is betrothed to Mary and finds out that she is pregnant. The beauty was that this brother of mine added to the conversation in a way that I didn't. I hadn't even thought of that passage.

We as a group were also able to help some within the family deal with tough questions related to marriage and divorce. Many Christians struggle with their pasts related to this. Within the context of love and acceptance, we were able to ask hard questions and try to help these folks apply these.

I would not want to discuss this passage in any other setting. I was reminded again how we all need each other. We need one another not just for encouragement, but also to help one another determine the meaning of scripture. Our church family context enabled us to delve into this tough passage, dig for truth, dare to apply it, and lovingly encourage one another in the process.

My hope for you is that you have this sort of opportunity to share body life in a way that everyone is built up in Christ.

Marrying Yourself?

If you can't find someone to marry, can you marry yourself? This young lady in Taipei is doing just that.

According to the bride-to-be, "It's not that I'm anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition."

She goes on to say, "I was just hoping that more people would love themselves."

This is simply another example of what happens when the world rejects God's plan for marriage. The possible outcomes for marriage are now endless. When will people begin marrying groups of people, animals, trees, the moon, amoebas, galaxies, plastic wrappers, lawn chairs, e-mails, etc.?

I guess we can at least hope that this young bride enjoys her solo honeymoon in Australia.

I do have two questions for her:

First, will she keep her own last name or change her last name to her own last name?

Second, if she eventually meets someone she wants to marry, does she have to divorce herself in order to marry that person?

It all ends up in the absurd when we stop following God's plan.

Another List: Good That Comes From Courting

Yesterday I blogged about the good that can come from dating while in high school (or younger).

Today's list focuses on the good that can come from courting in high school or later.

(For clarification, when I use the term "courting" I'm referring to the process of a male and a female purposely entering into an exclusive relationship in order to see if marriage is the correct course of action. Both sets of parents are actively involved in the courtship and work together to see if the relationship will be beneficial to all parties concerned. In my view, both the male and the female get veto-power. No forced marriages should happen.

This definition may sound dull, but the real process is much more exciting. Also, you may have a better definition. If so, please leave it in the "comments" section.)

This list is by no means exhaustive. If I have left out any obvious positives, please let me know.

The following list of ten good things that can come from courtships are in no specific order. As you can see, some are of the positive nature (what happens) while others are more negative (what doesn't happen).

1. Commitment is the focus instead of romantic feelings.

2. Romance comes after commitment, so there are far fewer instances of heartache.

3. Priorities can remain intact (God being number 1) without subjective feelings interfering.

4. Much discussion occurs of whether or not core values and expectations match up well.

5. Families get to know each other very well before the marriage takes place.

6. The process brings individual families closer together because the subject is so important and personal.

7. Temptation is at a minimum because there is little-to-no alone time for the couple early in the relationship. The early focus is on getting to know each other.

8. Time during the high school years can be concentrated on growing closer to God and growing in how to live in this world for Him. No time is wasted on "recreational dating."

9. There are few regrets by those involved in courting (it's not fail-safe, but it is much better than dating).

10. There is no "divorce practice." Since breakups don't occur during courting, those involved don't get accustomed to dumping and getting dumped. Ideally, the male and female end up marrying the first person they really care about.

This is not a perfect list. I'm sure I have left out some important things and/or written these in a manner that is not the best. However, I believe the primary themes are accurate. Some will call me "fundamentalistic," "old fashioned," or "less evolved than a cave troll." Nevertheless, courting is the much better way (better than dating) of bringing about the beginning of a joyful, godly marriage.

On Divorce

Albert Mohler takes an excellent look at the evangelical church's view of divorce as it compares to other political-cultural issues such as abortion, homosexuality, etc. Mohler asks some good questions that should cause us to think.

Too Many Problems to Figure Out

Some news stories describe situations that are full of so many problems that they are difficult to figure out. Click here to read about the problems that some "married" gays are having in getting divorces. What a mess.

Here's an interesting question: What do you think God thinks of gays, who the state recognizes as married, getting divorced? Is it good, bad, or just ugly?

"Wreckreational Dating"

I've come up with a new term to describe what I see so often in our society: wreckreational dating.

Especially among teenagers, but also among many 20-30 somethings, dating continues to have disastrous effects. Again and again, we see boys/men and girls/women (for the most part anymore) coming together to date for what is supposed to be recreational pleasure. Some may have marriage in mind, but many do not. The goal for most is simply this - fun.

Instead of fun, what dating ends up doing is providing divorce practice. The reason for this is that most people who date for pleasure end up breaking up. This causes, at least for one party, torn feelings of sadness and despair. It also gets people used to breaking off male-female relationships.

This says nothing of the temptations that dating people face. If they are human, those who are dating will be physically attracted to each other. However, there is nothing that they can do with these feelings (that is, if they want to honor God). Paul tells us that it is better to marry than to burn, but for people who are dating for pleasure, they have nothing to do but become increasingly frustrated.

Because of these problems, I'm convinced that "recreational dating" does not, in fact, exist. A much better term that describes the reality of what we see in the dating scene is "wreckreational dating." The reason for the spelling should be clear. Modern dating usually leads not to marriage, but rather to a train wreck of destroyed emotions.

Is there a better alternative? Yes. That alternative is courtship. While the main purpose of dating is temporary pleasure, the main purpose of courtship is marriage. Courtship is a man and a woman spending time together with a specific goal: to see if marriage is appropriate between them. The key is that they are moving toward marriage. Pleasure is secondary. The specifics of different courtships may vary, but the goal is the same.

Courtship has several benefits. It saves emotional heartache, reduces sexual frustration, and does not provide any divorce practice.

I highly encourage courtship while at the same time strongly discourage wreckreational dating.

(Click here to read more that I've pondered about this topic.)

A Sad But Not Surprising Commentary on Marriage and Divorce

You may have recently seen the crazy/silly/bizarre wedding processional that has taken YouTube.com by storm. Well, the inevitable has happened. Below is a spoof of the corresponding divorce court proceedings. It is the sad truth behind this video that makes it both funny and sad at the same time.