Soon after resigning, I realized that I was making a mistake. I was trying to provide people with the long answer when almost everyone really wants the short one. While there have been a few people who have desired to sit down and discuss it in depth (which usually requires an hour or so), the vast majority of folks want a one or two sentence response. Additionally, they definitely do not want to hear that it was because of what the bible says about the issue.
I have finally figured out a way to answer the "Why?" question. I now respond, "I just couldn't do it anymore." I let people hear this and then draw their own conclusions. I'm sure that some equate it with burnout. While that's not accurate, I can live with it. If they really want to know the reasons, then they will continue to ask questions. If that happens, then I'll dive into the detailed explanation.
A few days ago I ran into a local pastor who I hadn't seen in a while. As pastors almost always do, he asked me how things are going at the church. I told him that I resigned. Then I answered the question before he could ask it. My response, "I just couldn't do it anymore." He seemed to accept the answer and we moved on.
I'd love to sit down with more people, especially salaried pastors, to discuss this issue. The reality is, however, that most people do not want to have this conversation. It challenges assumptions and traditions. That is uncomfortable for them.
Because of all this, I have my prepared answer ready and waiting. So far it's working.
14 comments:
Eric,
How about this one: "I'm trying to follow Paul's admonition to pastors/elders to work with their hands to support themselves and others."
-Alan
Alan,
That's a great answer if people really want to discuss the issue. Sadly, most really don't want to. They expect an answer that has something to do with turmoil at the church.
In light of all this, my prepared non-answer gives them a sufficient answer.
I think you are unfortunately right. Many people have no interest in hearing your real reasons for leaving because it is so challenging to their assumptions and traditions. If someone really wants to know, you can have that conversation but I am afraid most people don't want to hear it.
Hi,
I wont' attempt to suggest I know what it's like in your shoes. You are not picking an easy road to travel.
But my initial response is I think your short answer could use some tweaking. I agree you need a short answer, and I agree most people will not agree with your full answer. I'm afraid though that your short answer gives too much room for them to assume a wrong answer.
Use Alan's as as a medium length answer.
But a short vague answer could be: "I didn't think it was right anymore."
It may give them something to think about.
My 2 cents.
God bless!
Welcome to the happily misunderstood, Eric! I resigned as "senior pastor" eight years ago when I realized that the position wasn't supported in scripture. I find that most folks don't want to hear anything that challenges their identity, source of income or position of power. That's a natural response, of course, but it sure stands in the way of true freedom in Christ. My wife and I had no idea how we were going to survive financially, but God has been faithful and we're seeing a lot of people set free from bondage to religion while growing as never before in their relationship with God and one another.
Arthur,
The difficult part so far has been determining which conversation they want to have.
An additional difficulty is that life is so busy for most people that even the ones who might really want to talk don't have time to do so.
Jonathan,
I'll have to think about your suggestion. Again, the hard part is that most people don't really want to have that conversation.
David,
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate the words of encouragement. This is certainly an interesting road we are on. I'm always excited to hear about what God has done in the lives of others who have walked it before me.
Eric,
Brother, you are a fast learner.
Most people don't want the long answer, especially those in some "ministry", because it poses the question that they must answer, or disregard,"If Eric is following the Scriptures, then, what am I following?"
The long answer usually terminates any relationship which previously existed.
John,
You said, "The long answer usually terminates any relationship which previously existed." I think I am running into this already with a few pastor friends. My presence would make them uncomfortable.
I appreciated this entry a lot. Even though I'm in a different situation and we simply retired from the church scene and 'leadership roles' we were in.. we still have lots of questions - or lots of people asking the question I guess. This was helpful. I really believe I'm saying too much. I guess I'm finding that people don't usually REALLY care at all - it's just conversation. They don't REALLY want an answer other than a simplistic one (or whatever they need to know to be in 'the know' at the next social gathering). Anyway... just rambling. Glad there are others who are misunderstood, misjudged & questioned and struggle with figuring out how to answer :)
Sometimes it's like I'm in a differnet realm and forget how to be in the box normal anymore...so when I'm asking a question and I know they don't really want the whole shpeel -- I feel like an alien trying to fit into the box & be normal. I have to study & test out different answers to know what 'fits' or what works the way I want it to. :) everything takes so much thought now, geesh!
Randi Jo,
I think there are many of us feeling the same way. The short vague answer is probably best. If the people really care, they'll keep asking - which doesn't happen often (at least in my case).
Knowing you need a response is something I haven't really thought about. I'm not a pastor, but when considering leaving a congregation family, I know the question will be asked. Initially I expect there would be a bombardment of people asking, most wanting the long answer, until they hear it. I guess I may see someday.
lookingforchurch,
The most difficult part is trying to determine if they want to hear the real answer. I'm still working on it.
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